Ether

I haven't written in a while and there is no reason to my absence, at least not a good one. But now I find myself writing again, sending out this message into the ether, the heavens, the unknown as I have no one to discuss it with. A question that of late has plagued my mind; how do you let go of a dream that deep down has kept you going?

I had a dream once, and I was so sure of it that I believed it had come from God. It sustained me for so long and seemed to be somewhat re-affirmed every way I looked. And now I am presented with something, something that would kill that dream and yet possibly fulfill another one. I feel lost as to what to do, I am not at the crucial point yet where I have to make a choice, but I can see it coming. If I could only get some kind of inclination that the first dream was a mistake on my part, that there was no truth (or only partial truth), if only I could see that the dream could never be, I could let go. But I fear that without that understanding, without that knowledge my heart will forever be tied to that first dream and it will destroy all the others that try to replace it.

Sometimes I wished that my imagination, my dream was not as strong as it is, I wish that the questions I had could be answered, but alas they stand firm and towering over me, and just like the mighty red woods cast shadow over all beneath them, so too do these questions, this doubt, casting a shadow over all that I see and I cannot seem to rid it of its power over me. So here I am writing to no one, seeking solace and answers in the written word, even when I expect no reply.

Blood

So this weekend is going to be crazy! I am going to be giving blood to the red cross in about three hours, I still have a couple of classes before. Later I will be going to work, then heading to the new house to finish painting and cleaning, and then home to do packing. Moving in the middle of a semester is a little crazy but the move is going to be a good thing. I am really excited for my family and the opportunities that they will be able to have. This is the first time I have given blood; I have had blood drawn for other things but never for the Red Cross. I am excited and I should be doing this more often as I have a good blood type for other people.

Bad Day

As I write this I think about the song “bad day” by Daniel Powter and then I think about the chipmunks singing it in “Alvin and the Chipmunks” and I smile. Yesterday was just a bad day, a Robinson Crusoe day; were I just wanted to disappear and be on a deserted island with no one near me. I could only find my faults and the mistakes that I have made and could see none of the talents that I know God has given me. The funny thing is that my day and mood did not start getting better until I was at home working on some homework that was due the next day. Then this morning I read a friends blog about her difficult day and the feeling that she sticks out like a sore thumb. I have often felt that way, but I realized I enjoy my uniqueness I enjoy being the Calla Lilly that I am in a field of roses. My friend said she was a pink daisy, and although I love daisies I know that that is not who I am, I am a Calla Lilly, so now there are at least two different flowers in this field of roses and I am grateful for my daisy friend and for not being alone. But I am also glad to not be a rose, roses are not bad they are just not me.

My friends post

Almost Done

I am sitting here in the McKay library waiting and studying for my last final of this semester and I cannot believe that I am almost done with school (at least for a time). Next semester, which starts on January 5^th will be my last. I Graduate in April with a Bachelors degree in Psychology. I am applying now for jobs, planning to do some work before I go on for my Masters and then PhD. It has been a long journey to this point and I know that it is not even close to being over, I was foolish if I thought that life was crazy, difficult, stressful, or any other descriptions. My life thus far has been a great journey and I am very excited for the next part, who knows where it might lead me.

Insomnia

So if you know me at all you know that I have had insomnia pretty much my entire life. I am a very light sleeper and even the slightest noise or light will wake me up. (I was once awoken by a full moon shining in my window!) I know it is crazy but if I ever needed to be a sentry guard I would be awesome! Anyhow, there is this song that just hits my lack of sleep perfectly on the head. I heard this song forever ago and back when I still listened to CD’s and not my Zune (Microsoft’s version of an iPod, it rocks!) I had this song on one. But I lost the CD and for the most part forgot about the song. It is called “Who Needs Sleep?” by BNL (Barenaked Ladies). This is a great song and very true for me and my Insomnia! I have placed the song on my playlist (it is at the bottom) listen and have smile that you get more sleep than me! ;o)

River!!!

So this morning Isaac and I went to church, the sun was shining and the weather was great. We even had a discussion about our sunglasses as we drove (it was brief). As we where sitting in church we suddenly heard this great roar as the rain started pouring down, lightening flashed and the thunder rolled and all through church the rain came down. When we got home we found this river instead of our street. It reminded me of when I was little and lived at the corner house in American Fork. There used to be this big ditch (that has now been covered) but when we would get big rain storms the ditch would flood and the intersection and our entire front yard would get flooded. I remember Michael Ritchie would often come over bringing more friends and everyone would play in the water. P.S. it is still pouring!

Sorry!!!

I know that I have been slacking in updating my blog and I am sorry for that. Of course I am not sure how many actually read it so I could be apologizing to no one. But for those (if there are any) that read this I am doing great.
I have only one week left at my current job, then a week off before I start the new one that will be much closer to home and easier for me and my car. I am loving school but also excited that in a little less than a year I will be done! All is good and All is great, and no Sara I still don't have a date. ;o)

Chapter One: Walking

"It wasn't what I expected." I said the words aloud, but part of me wondered if he would know even if the words where merely thoughts in my mind. We were walking along a pristine tropical beach, the sun was shining causing the white sand to sparkle as if it held within it a thousand gems. The sound of the crystal blue waves breaking upon the shore had a strange calming effect and although my feet where bare the soft sand was warm to the touch, not the burning hot that it should have been.
It was odd and yet familiar, the two of us walking, like old friends catching up after a long absence. I was unsure how long we had been walking, it seemed like a long time, perhaps forever and yet I was not tired, nor felt any need for rest.
"Where are we going?" I was surprised that I had not asked this question before, it seemed so simple walking with him. I didn't know him, at least I didn't believe I knew him and yet it seemed he knew me so well. I felt at ease with him. He wasn't that much older than me perhaps in his early to mid thirties and yet the lines on his face and the glow in his blue eyes spoke of a wisdom and experience of a much older man.
"We are going back to the beginning" his response was warm and heartfelt and although I did not know what he meant I was content with his response. It was at this moment that I realized we where no longer at the beach but in the depths of a deep forest. The great pine trees towering above us, the sound of a trickling brook and a song birds call having the same affect that the waves upon the beach had. The wind blew through the trees and it seemed as if it was telling a story of far away places to the stationary giants.
"You said it wasn't what you had expected?" I turned from the ever changing scenery and looked at the man who walked beside me. I was unsure if he was my guide or just another lost soul like me but either way the look in his eyes let me know that he really wanted to hear my story. "no, not like I expected. Nothing has been. Not this place and not how it happened." as I said the words glimpses and rushes of memories came to me reminding me of what had transpired, it seemed so long ago.
"It wasn't what I expected, it's not the way I thought I would die."


(I wrote this a few weeks ago, it is a new book that I am going to write although I am not sure where this story is going to lead me.)

Lasik

had Lasik eye surgery this morning and Mom came and was able to watch through some monitors. I gave her my cell phone and she was able to take some pictures of the procedure. So here we go:

Ok so in the first picture you see the monitors that Mom got to watch on. the first shows the close up of my eye and the bottom of the room. Yes I am holding a Teddy Bear, they give you this to hold on to because you want to touch your eye while the procedure is happening and this of course is something you cannot do. So I had to think of the Teddy bear as a sort of Grenade, if I let go we all die.

The second picture with the metal looking thing is the suction they put on to cut the flap, this is the only time during the procedure that your sight goes dark and you cant see. The nest two pictures are with the flap off and that is why the eye has a dull look to it. If you look you can see the flap it is on the right side of the eye. the second one he is starting to put the flap back on with the little tool. this metal looking tool administers drops and tests pressure. the last picture is the flap back in place. You are awake the whole time and you see everything except for when they use the suction. Right after the surgery I was able to see better.

Earrings

So I am not a huge fan of necklaces and bracelets and I only where one ring but I love Earrings. I really like to have unique earrings that represent me (and my eclectic nature) So the other day as Mom and I where talking we had the idea of making our own jewelry. So yesterday we went shopping and one of our stops was at Michael's, I saw some beads and feathers that I liked and thought why not. So here is what I made today. (In a store these would most likely run between $8.50 and $15.50) I made them for much less!

Snow Again!

Ok so you need to understand that as of two days ago there was no snow. All the snow that we had gotten had melted (we had green grass!) but yesterday I woke up to the 6" on the ground, well this morning I woke up to it snowing hard! and as it is a Saturday the plows where not out so the roads driving to work were terrible. Here are a few pictures to illustrate (albeit it was not the worst snow storm we have had but after a spring January it is a little disconcerting to have another winter.)

all the snow here is new, we had no snow two days ago,
even the snow pile here on the left did not exist.

My Tribute

So my tribute to Valentine's day is the new pink aspect on my blog. I go to many of my friends pages and friends of friends pages and there are all these hearts and lovey aspects. I have never been one to care for Valentine's day (a day named for two martyrs) but I do have a great many people in my life for whom this day is a great day (some include birthdays) so for them I added some pink in honor of this holiday of love. I know I added black but come on people you cant expect me to be all hugs and puppies. ;o)

SNOW!!

Alright so I know it is bad but I had kind of gotten used to not having any snow. the last big snow storm was on Christmas weekend and then after that everything melted and we have had clear roads. Well this morning I wake up and go out to start my car (no I do not have the auto car start, although I wish I did) and low and behold there is about 6" of dense snow all over. The roads coming into work where not the greatest and people were going very slow (admittedly I did pass many of them). In the end I got to work only 10 minutes later than I usually do, which is not bad considering. Still of late I have been wishing to live in warmer climates (ask my family and they will tell you exactly where I have and how I have been wishing to live and snow would not be part of it.)

Angst!

There are days when life seems disastrous. Today is one of those days! I know that it has been a while since I last updated my blog and I find it ironic that the day I do update happens to be a day like today. It just seems like everything is going wrong and that I cannot do anything right. I realize that this is probably far from the truth (I have people telling me this) but no matter what is said it seems that the sky is an endless stormy grey and there does not seem to be any ray of light or blue sky ahead. Of course there are those days that just seem amazing and I am sure that I could always have more of those if I would just change my approach, but alas today my approach is not as sunny as it should be.
It would probably help if I liked people more but in all truth, I don’t. It is not that I don’t get along with people and like some people, I am just an introvert and I prefer small groups to large amounts of people. I also really enjoy time to myself, so after a day of dealing with people I just want to be alone. And when I am having a terrible day like to day all I want is to be alone with a good book to read or some writing implements as I love to write. This is probably why I am writing now, trying to release some of this angst that this day is handing me.

Twilight Girls Night

So last Friday we had our Twilight day. Sara came down from Spokane (for Thanksgiving mainly) and Sara, Mom, Rebecca, and I had a girls day. First we all went to Olive Garden and then we went and got pedicures (mom was laughing so hard while getting hers it was hilarious!!!) (don’t worry Sara will be putting up a bunch of pictures from this day.) Then we went and saw the Twilight movie. In my completely honest opinion the movie was abhorrent. The editing, screenplay, and directing seemed to have been done by a child. If you had never read the books you would have no idea what was going on, in fact there was a couple of people behind me that had not read the book and when the movie ended they asked “what the crap?” they had no clue what was going on in the movie. The sad thing is that the book is written in a way that makes it easily become a screenplay but it seems who ever adapted it wanted to change it to how they wanted it to appear, even changing lines that where much better in the book. But the movie aside it was a fun day!

Halloween costume

Alright so this is not the best picture (it was taken early in the morning while I was getting ready for work), we were planing to take better pictures of my costume after work but being in a corset and wig for 8 hours I was done by the time I got home. The skirt fans out to an almost perfect circle. the shirt has embroidery on the sleeves that you can kind of see and also down the front of the shirt that is covered by the corset. the corset also has embroidery and bead work as well. I made the entire costume including the bead work and embroidery. It did not turn out as good as I would have liked but I started a little late in making it. the skirt is made with crinkle chiffon and red sparkle organza fabric and the top is a simple muslin, the corset is a black silk. (please ignore the messy kitchen!)

Sorry!

I know I am doing a terrible job at keeping up with my blog, I still have a bunch of Halloween pictures to put up and other activities but I yet to find the time. Even while I write this I am only able to because it is a slow day at work (at least for a few minutes) but I will be trying to get some things up if not later today then tomorrow. So please be patient with my non-existing blogging skills.

For Sara ;o)

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I Believe in the Curly Q Whimsy of Fate!

Life is not simply a vast conglomeration of coincidences but is something greater.

What would it be like to go back in time and to see yourself in the past, to see the things from your childhood, to experience again the things that are only found in your distant memories. What new things would you discover, what truths that you had not understood would come to light.

I watched a show tonight about a man who goes back in time, in this particular episode he sees his mother and helps her. He recalls a memory but didn't know the story behind the memory (his mother coming home crying) but now as an adult he saves his mothers life and realizes why she came home crying.

It gets complicated when you try to understand the vicissitudes of it all, but then again that is what makes it truly intriguing, the complexity of it all. But in a simpler question do we ever really understand the whole story or are we imprisoned by our own view.

Time

There are times when I dislike relativity. Yesterday at work time dragged on, each minute seemed to crawl excruciatingly by and yet to others the day seemed to speed by them with no hesitation. The principle of relativity in its perfect form each to his own internal time piece. There are instances when I wish that time was still Newtonian than Einsteinian, for with Newtonian time I would no longer have time slow or speed up but would just have the static continuation of a singular time. But alas time has been proven to be (at least at the moment, for who knows where the future might lead) Einstienian and because of that it is relative to each of us.